Lately

Lately I've been missing my old life. I understood how to get along on a deeper level with people, how to interact with the people I knew well and cared about deeply. Now I have all these new friends and this new job and a new way of being...well, it is exciting, but its also leaving me feeling empty sometimes. Like this thing with Alan. I don't really get it. Its so hard for me to let things take shape organically without a push from my side. I probably ruined it. Maube it will be less ruined after all the vacations, but maybe its ruined for good. I hope its not, I fell like I got a snapshot of his soul and want in, but I'm not allowed in precisely because I've decided I want it. I'm not interested in a lot of short term fun. I have energy but I don't think the energy for that will be sustainable. I want to get to know someone again. I want to get to know them in a way that helps me know myself. I want to begin my new life with some stability. I'm not having fun being single. I'm having fun at the prospect of not being single anymore. I'm missing Nick. Probably not him personally as much as I miss the stability that came with him, his sweetness, his kindness. I miss having him to hug me when I am down. I miss being down about things that have nothing to do with my sexuality or self-worth. I miss knowing what was going on in my life and not leaving it up to someone else, not feeling like everything is being left to chance. I hate this. I'm not good with the game. I just want to have normal, honest conversations with people, but I'm not allowed to. And I hate having to tell myself not to think about something if its occupying my thoughts. What kind of bullshit is that?